When caretaking or desire becomes a Survival Strategy... - 6 painful statements about Codependency... 1/6

 

In our society, we often admire the “strong person” — the one who is always there for others, responsible, self-sacrificing and dependable. From the outside, everything may seem under control, yet inside many people feel empty, exhausted, and unseen. 

What we often call caring, selfless love, ambition, or motivation may actually be a deeply rooted survival strategy of the nervous system. 

Codependency has gradually become a collective survival pattern — a way people have learned, across generations, to cope with life and relationships.

"Perhaps it is time to look at it consciously- just as it has silently entered our collective awareness, hiding behind behaviours that society often admires and rewards."

Codependency rarely looks like dysfunction, weakness or even abuse - It often wears the mask of caring, successful, self-sacrifice, being “good” and always being available for others.

But not everything that shines is gold!

From the outside, it may look strong, loving and admirable. Internally, however, it often means living disconnected from one’s boundaries, body, self needs, and true sense of self.

"And perhaps the most dangerous part of this pattern is that society teaches us to see self-abandonment as a virtue — until one day we realise that a humanity disconnected from itself will eventually exhaust not only people, but the world around them as well."

We will follow six reflections which explore the hidden connections between codependency and addiction, and the path from self-abandonment back to a grounded sense of self. Each part looks at codependency from a different angle, because codependency is not just one issue — it is a wide network of learned patterns affecting the mind, emotions, body, relationships and identity as a whole. 

In many ways, therapy itself is often a process of healing first from addiction and then from codependency — no matter what name the original problem carries. Because healing is rarely only about symptoms. It is about restoring connection with oneself as a whole and vital human being and it obviously takes time (which is not always linear), lot's of effort and patience...but in first place there has to be will of moving forward...

I. Codependency — Outwardly shiny, but internally a nervous system defense mechanism

Codependency is often misunderstood as character trait of deeply caring and loving person. Psychologically and physically, however, it is an adaptation where our sense of safety and emotional stability becomes deeply connected to another person’s emotional state. The nervous system learns that we are safe only when the other person is “okay.”

For example a partner’s bad mood or silence may immediately trigger inner anxiety. The person automatically begins trying to fix the situation, apologize, or calm the other person’s emotions — not only out of care, but from a deeply rooted need to restore their own inner sense of safety. 

The roots of this pattern often begin in childhood, where love, closeness or emotional safety depended heavily on the emotional state of parents or caregivers. As a result, the nervous system learned to stay constantly tuned to other people’s moods, reactions and needs.

Energetically, this can feel as if attention and life force are constantly moving outward toward another person. There are similarities with “hypersensitivity,” but in codependency the nervous system is usually a heightened awareness of the environment developed for survival and if it is together as being originally hypersensitivity it is very heavy to bear the burden.

As adults, it is possible to relearn these patterns: to develop boundaries, reconnect with oneself and learn to distinguish between what I feel and what another person feels.

Paradoxically, consciously integrated sensitivity can later become a strength — mature empathy, cleared mind, intuition which gives the ability to sense emotional nuance without losing oneself or merging into the emotional atmosphere around them.

Although society rewards self-sacrifice, internally it often creates constant emotional overload, because the nervous system tends to prefer a “familiar hell” over an “unfamiliar heaven.” Familiar pain can feel safer than change.

What appears externally as caring, strength or love may internally be a constant effort to avoid anxiety, conflict or fear of abandonment.

“Codependency is a pattern where keeping others emotionally ‘okay’ gradually becomes more important than staying connected to one’s own needs and feelings.”

But how does a person reach the point where they notice other people’s emotions faster than their own?

Why does the nervous system become so sensitive to moods, silence or tension that the body reacts before the mind even understands what is happening?

Next week, we will go further and explore the idea of the “hypersensitive smoke detector”  and why would something that once helped us survive can later become an invisible emotional prison?

Till the next week...,

Kristel with love 🤍

From Good Friday to the Resurrection as from a perspective of ones Soul Journey

Good Friday is marked as a holiday on the calendar. But in the deeper meaning of life, it is never just one day and neither the holiday

It is a state that does not ask whether you are ready.

It simply arrives…and brings with it silence, heaviness, and a depth that is difficult to fully put into words—because for each person, it is a deeply personal and unique experience.

And if you have lived through it, you may recognise that this is not the same as depression—

even though it can feel similar and is often mistaken for it. Because beneath the heaviness, something in you is still moving and calling you to take action. 

Good Friday, the silence that follows, and Easter are not only a religious story. They are an inner journey that almost every person touches at some point in their life—whether consciously or not. Not outwardly as crucified, but within their inner world.

I have seen this pattern many times—through my work as a therapist, but even more deeply in my own life.

Good Friday – The Collapse

There are periods when you are not understood.

When your choices are questioned, and even your mental or emotional state is doubted.

And perhaps the most painful part is this—your experience is minimized or misinterpreted, especially by those from whom you expected understanding the most.

If you are sensitive, aware, and inwardly open, this does not stay on the surface. It is not something you can simply “get over.” It enters your nervous system, your body, and your identity. This means it is no longer just a thought like “I am struggling” or “someone didn’t understand me.” It becomes something you experience with your whole being.

You begin to question yourself:

“Am I wrong?”

“Am I too much?”

“Or not enough?”

Psychologically, this is the moment when the old structure of identity begins to break down. The roles you have relied on no longer hold. External reflections no longer confirm you— people around you no longer respond the way you are used to. They do not see you the same way. They do not meet you in the same way. And without that mirror, uncertainty arises within you. This can feel both liberating… and deeply destabilizing. Because now the question is no longer:

“How am I seen?” but: “Who am I, if no one reflects it back to me anymore?”

In spiritual language, this is the awakening of the soul and the beginning of the search. A loss of control.  A call into deeper contact with something that can no longer be managed by the mind.

This is your journey of the cross.

And it is not easy.

It is a series of life events that bring you to a place where you can no longer be who you once were. Not because you do not want to…but because it simply no longer works.

And in this place, it is easy to lose trust in your own perception. You may feel like you are losing your mind. A deep, almost existential fear can arise—as if something inside you is ending. Your thoughts may become overwhelming, even catastrophic…and you may become afraid to listen to them.

This is what a spiritual crisis may feel like.

In that moment, it feels like the end. But in truth, it is the beginning.

The In-Between – Silence and the Void

I have come to understand Good Friday not only as a symbol, but as a state. Something that does not last only one day…but can stretch into weeks, months, or even years.

It is not only the story of Jesus Christ being crucified- It is the story of a human being who reaches a point where their former life is left behind—and there is no way back.

Between those two, there is a kind of abyss.

I remember one such moment in my life very clearly. I was in the middle of a storm of events—not observing from the outside, but fully inside it. And then it came. A moment that was not loud or dramatic. It was quiet… but completely clear- inner awakening: “I cannot continue like this anymore. Either I give up completely…or I learn how to live again.”

Bankruptcy was one visible part of that process. In the Estonian cultural and economic context, it is often stigmatized and dismissed—as if it defines you as unreliable or somehow flawed. People and institutions see the weakness, but they do not see the strength that is born through such a process.

Outwardly, life was breaking apart…but inwardly, something deeper was breaking—my identity.

The knowing of who I had believed myself to be for years - How to act, how to decide, how to carry responsibility. I had been used to create, hold and lead but suddenly… none of it carried the same meaning.

I did not only lose something external. I lost the ways I had learned to know and experience myself— or perhaps more truthfully, the ways I had learned not to…the patterns that had kept me from truly knowing myself.

That was my cross. But the cross was not a punishment.

It is the moment when life finally stops you—because your soul wants to awaken and leave behind the burdens you have been carrying, even when you already knew your strength was running out.

You can try to keep going, solving, controlling…but something inside you no longer follows.

And the question arises:

"Who am I, if I am no longer who I thought I was?"

Transformation begins - A turning point- Arise as new and LIFE itself becomes your teacher beside the spiritual coach who is essential while you are in the process…i wish I could have one…, but It gave me the strength to really discover what it really is how it affects and how to clime up from the lowest and stay beside yourself while never abandon again!

Resurrection – A Different Kind of Life

Resurrection is often imagined as a moment. But in real life, it rarely arrives all at once. It unfolds slowly as a becoming of someone you have never been before.

It is quieter than expected, with loads of confusion but less dramatic and more real. It shows itself in small shifts:

• in how you respond instead of react
• in how your body begins to feel safer
• in how clarity replaces constant doubt
• in how you no longer need the same external confirmation to know who you are

You begin to live differently.

Not because everything is solved—but because something within you has changed.

There is more space.
More trust.
More presence.

And slowly, life begins to move again. Not in the old way. But in a way that is more aligned with who you truly are.

Returning to the Beginning – Consciously Living the Process together with my family

Fast forward ten years… and back to where it all begins again.

In December 2023, when we moved to Italy as a family, that same feeling returned—only in a new form. And yes it whispered long before we actually took a step forward- but eventually that was choice!
The truth is, this process is not over. It hasn’t been fully integrated or completed.
We are still in it—living it, embodying it, and learning, step by step, how to live, how to be, and how to act from within it.

Even though I knew we were stepping far outside our comfort zone, I did not expect it to feel like another journey of crucifixion and rebirth. But this time, It was our choice and in this case it can be leaded. I am fully conscious of what we are going through and not alone in that experience—we are in it as a family, each one moving through their own awakening with following process, in their own time.

And yes… at times, it feels like chaos!

The Quiet Becoming 

And yet… something within knows this is not a mistake. This is transition. Not the beautiful, inspirational version that is often shared. But the real one. Where you are not yet the “new you, where you have been arisen from the ashes ” but you are no longer the old one either.

And in this in-between space… where we actively are learning.

Learning to allow ourselves to be awkward.

Learning to not know.

Learning to make mistakes.

Learning to be unseen—without losing connection with ourselves.

It is not easy.

There are moments when I want to withdraw…or prove that I am more.

But perhaps for the first time in my life, I am not trying to escape this state.

Because somewhere deep within, there is trust that even in this awkwardness, helplessness, and invisibility a new life is already forming—still searching for its shape.

This is the part that is spoken about the least—the time between the cross and resurrection. Because it is so vulnerable, so sacred, so difficult to grasp…and at the same time, so quiet.

Psychologically, it is a transition zone. The nervous system is learning to adapt to a new reality.

Spiritually, it is emptiness—and vastness at the same time. And often, it can feel meaningless.

“I cannot do this anymore. What is the point of all this?”

But if you look deeper, this is a reconfiguration. Because when you are inside the egg, the cracking feels like destruction. But in truth, it is the only way life can continue.

The shell was never the enemy. It was protection during the evolution. It simply becomes too small.

And slowly… something begins to change.

You no longer react to everything the same way. You no longer feel the need to explain yourself. You stop searching for validation.

And most importantly—you begin to trust what you feel, even when no one else reflects it back to you.

This is resurrection. Not as an event—but as a state.

If something in your life or within you is breaking right now…perhaps you are not lost.

Perhaps you are exactly at the place where the shell is beginning to open. And even if it feels like a cross you can no longer carry, there is already a light waiting for its moment to break through and lift you. 

Be patient, be gentle for yourself and more importantly be supported while you’re transitioning. Spiritual growth and crisis is not only where life collapses . It is where a different kind of life begins.

Wishing you a colourful, peaceful and meaningful Easter time with yourself and your loved ones!

With love,

Kristel 🤍