The 5th of the 6 painful statement about codependency: "Where is the line between love, support and rescuing?"

If you've been following this series of articles, we've already looked at several uncomfortable but important statements about codependency.

We've talked about how codependency is often not a conscious choice, but a survival strategy. We've explored why we become hypersensitive to the emotions and needs of others. We've also looked at how codependency leaves its mark on the body and nervous system, and how years of being responsible for others can eventually manifest as exhaustion, anxiety, stress, or even illness.

In today's article, however, we will focus on the healing journey or in other words, learning and creating healthy boundaries so that you understand where you end and another person begins...

Recovering from codependency doesn't mean becoming selfish, cold, or uncaring. It doesn't mean you have to stop loving or caring for others. It means learning to come back to yourself and realize that your life, needs and dreams are important too!

The starting point for healing from codependency is almost always recognizing your addiction. If you are a codependent, you will very often have some addictive behavior pattern in your life. It doesn't have to be alcohol or another substance. It can be work, helping others, relationships, drama, social media, shopping, eating, or any activity that helps you temporarily distance yourself from how you really feel.

In previous article on addiction, I wrote more about how addictions often become a way to escape feelings that we are unable or unwilling to face. In the case of codependency, addiction often serves the same purpose. It helps to avoid the pain, emptiness, loneliness, shame, fear, or feelings of worthlessness that a person has been carrying around for years.

The longer these patterns persist, the more our inner boundaries begin to dissolve. We learn imperceptibly that our value depends on how necessary, useful, or good we are to others. Thus begins an invisible school of learning to be “enough.” First a sufficient child, then a friend and student, followed by a partner, employee, parent, etc.

However, on the journey of healing, it gradually becomes clear that this “layer of sufficiency” is not actually our true nature. These are protective patterns that have developed over the years that helped us get love, attention or a sense of security in childhood. They were ways to adapt to an environment where directly expressing our true needs did not bring the desired result or did not feel safe enough. - in a word, it is MANIPULATION

Many codependent people love and care deeply. They are loyal and willing to be there for their friends and loved ones even in the most difficult moments. These are undoubtedly valuable qualities.

The challenge, however, is that codependency can wear the mask of love. Therefore, it is not always easy to notice when caring and supporting have inadvertently turned into a responsibility that actually belongs to the other person. Of course, the desire to help, support and care is a natural and necessary quality, but at some point we may discover that in addition to caring, we have also started to solve the other person’s problems, bear their emotions or take on the consequences of their life.

Therefore, it is worth asking yourself from time to time: "Am I supporting or taking responsibility for this person?"

When helping becomes an identity

One of the most important ideas Pia Mellody explores in her book Facing Codependence is that many codependent people gradually lose their sense of where they end and another person begins. As children, they often learned—whether directly or indirectly—that their worth depended on being useful, responsible, adaptable or available to others, most often for their own parents. Some became peacemakers. Others became caregivers and many of us became the strong ones everyone relied upon. Different roles, but often the same underlying identity- the rescuer.

Over time these roles stop being something we do and become someone we believe we are. The challenge is that the rescuer identity always needs someone to rescue.

Carl Jung described the persona as the mask we present to the world—the version of ourselves we believe will be loved, accepted or valued. In codependency, that mask is often the caregiver, the helper, the peacemaker, or the person who is always strong.

Yet there is always another side of us.

As of model of Johari Window- some parts of us are visible both to ourselves and to others. Some are hidden from the world. And some remain hidden even from ourselves. It is often in these hidden places that our unmet needs, fears, loneliness, disappointments, and insecurities reside. These are the parts of ourselves that may never have been given enough safety, space or permission to be fully seen, felt, and understood.At some point in the healing journey a profound realisation begins to emerge:

"What if my constant caring for others has also been an attempt to meet needs I never learned to acknowledge within myself?" For many people, this moment feels like an awakening.

Not because everything suddenly changes, but because they begin seeing their patterns more clearly. They start recognising the difference between who they truly are and who they learned to become in order to feel loved, safe or accepted.

This is often where real healing begins and therapy sessions can become most uncomfortable. A period of deep self-reflection follows. Parts of ourselves that have remained hidden for years gradually come into awareness. We begin noticing our genuine needs, desires and boundaries. We learn to say NO before exhaustion, resentment or burnout takes over once again.

But this process comes at a cost.

It often requires us to face loneliness, uncertainty, grief, abandoned dreams and the exhaustion we have been carrying for far longer than we would like to admit. Many people consider leaving therapy at this stage because it can feel as if they are getting worse instead of better. Yet in reality, this discomfort is often a sign that something important is shifting. The old survival strategies are beginning to loosen their grip, which brings us to an important question: "Where is the line between love and rescuing?"

The simplest answer to that question is: "Healthy love supports growth but rescuing seeks relief."

When we care and love someone, we can stand beside them during difficult times. We listen, encourage and support them when needed. At the same time allowing them to remain responsible for their own life. Allowing them to make choices and experience the consequences of those choices. After all, growth happens through experience, mistakes and learning.

Rescuing may look similar from the outside, but the motivation underneath is very different. Rescuing happens when another person's discomfort becomes so difficult to tolerate that we feel compelled to make it disappear. Without realising that one's begin living their life more than it's own.

In everyday life it might look like:

• A partner becomes upset, and we immediately start fixing, solving, or managing their emotions.
• An adult child makes poor decisions, and we rush in to soften the consequences.
• A friend repeatedly faces financial difficulties, and we feel obligated to rescue them once again.
• A colleague avoids responsibility and uses praise, guilt, or manipulation to get us to do their work.

Over time, this becomes exhausting. Eventually, many rescuers find themselves asking: "Why does nobody take care of me the way I take care of everyone else?"

The answer is often painful. Rescuing does not create healthy relationships- It keeps both people stuck. One remains dependent and the other remains responsible. Nether them are truly free to grow.

Taking back the inner power – a period called narcissism...

If in the previous phase, priorities have begun to become visible and we have somewhat learned to notice and value them, then at some point the healing journey reaches the next stage. There comes a time when we must start standing up for these new priorities, needs and previously hidden parts, protecting what is real and destroying what is not...what no longer serves us... Old roles, beliefs and patterns of adaptation gradually begin to lose their influence and something more authentic emerges in their place.

This is where what could be called the narcissistic period often appears. In recent years, the word “narcissism” has become very popular on social media. Sometimes it even seems that most men are narcissists and women are their victims. 

However, the reality is much more diverse. In the context of recovery, we are not talking about pathological narcissism, but about a developmental stage that several psychologists, including Heinz Kohut, have described as a necessary part of the formation of healthy self-worth. 

This is a time when one learns, perhaps for the first time to take one’s needs seriously. - To say NO, to protect one’s energy, to give up constant adaptation and to choose oneself without guilt!

From the outside, this change may seem unexpected or even unsettling to those around you. People who have become used to your endless availability, helpfulness, or self-sacrifice may say that you have changed—and not for the better. They may describe you as selfish, cold, or difficult.

The truth is that you may not have become more selfish at all. You may simply have become more visible. And sometimes, when someone begins to shine more authentically, that light can be difficult for others to adjust to.

The energy of healthy narcissism helps you stay on your own side during this very vulnerable phase. It helps create boundaries and sometimes temporary defenses so that you don’t fall back into old patterns and lose yourself again. This is an important stage of integration and transition and it is also during this phase that you need to rebuild the foundation on which a healthy sense of self can rest. 

Many of the foundations introduced above were not sufficiently developed in childhood or were not formed at all. This is precisely why healing from codependency cannot happen as a result of a few therapy sessions or a quick insight.

It is important understand that the goal of therapy is not to "fix and do the work" for the client . Therapy helps to notice and become aware of those blind spots where development has blocked and where necessary skills have not been learned. The real work begins after leaving the therapy room - in real life situations, relationships, conflicts and challenges. It is there that we gradually learn to manage our emotional regulation with greater awareness, so that our lives are no longer shaped by unconscious reactions, but by conscious choices aligned with who we truly are.

In her book Codependence, Pia Mellody explains that healing often involves reclaiming five fundamental rights that every child is born with, but which may become damaged or fail to fully develop when growing up in a dysfunctional environment.

These five rights form the foundation of healthy self-worth and emotional maturity.

The right to be valuable

Which means that your value doesn't depend on how much you care for others, how much you achieve or how well you meet other people's expectations. You have the right to be valuable simply because you exist. Even if you don't have anything to prove or give to anyone at the moment.

The right to be vulnerable

Which means you don't have to carry and hide everything all at once. You have the right to feel sadness, fear, disappointment or insecurity and to express those feelings. You have the right to say, "I can't handle it right now," without feeling ashamed or weak.

The right to be imperfect

Which means letting go of the endless pursuit of being the perfect partner, parent, employee, or any other role you may play in life. You have the right to make mistakes, to forget, to fail and to learn from your experiences. Not as an excuse to give up, but as an invitation to live a more authentic and fulfilling life—one that includes space for joy, rest, and enjoyment, rather than a constant struggle to achieve perfection.

The right to have needs and desires

Which means recognising that your needs, wishes, and dreams are just as important as anyone else's. You have the right to seek rest, support, connection, appreciation or change when your life calls for it. You do not have to continually sacrifice your own needs to meet those of others nor should you expect them to be fulfilled without being expressed. You have the right to speak honestly about what you feel, need and desire, rather than shaping yourself around what seems acceptable, expected or convenient for others.

The right to develop and learn

which means accepting that you do not need to have everything figured out. You have the right to be a work in progress. The right to experiment, to fail, to learn, to reconsider, and to start over. Life is not a test of perfection but a journey of becoming. Through it, we gradually come to know ourselves more deeply, understand the world more fully, and embrace the reality that we are human—imperfect beings who continue to learn, grow, and evolve throughout our entire lives.

 

The stronger these above five pillars become, the less we need approval, rescue, or external validation to confirm our worth. Over time, we begin to discover that our value has never come from outside of us. It has always been there. What was missing was the understanding that our worth is inherent—not something to be earned through achievement, sacrifice, or the approval of others, but something we were born with. From this foundation, we can begin to create a life that is no longer driven by seeking, but by conscious and authentic choices.

Through Fear and Out the Other Side

One of the biggest fears in healing from codependency is not the change itself. More often, it is the fear of losing the identity around which we have built so much of our lives.

If you have spent years being the caregiver, the rescuer, the strong one, or the person everyone turns to, you are not only letting go of a behaviour. You are letting go of a version of yourself.

That is why setting boundaries, expressing needs, or accepting support can feel so uncomfortable. These actions challenge not only what you do, but also who you believe yourself to be.

Healing is not the absence of fear. More often, it is the willingness to move forward despite it.

Step by step, you begin to discover that you do not lose yourself when you stop rescuing others. Quite the opposite. For the first time, you have the opportunity to meet yourself without the filters of roles, responsibilities, and expectations.

As the need to rescue begins to fade, so do many of the subtle forms of manipulation that often accompany codependency. Not only the ways others may have influenced you, but also the unconscious ways you learned to earn love, approval, or attention.

You learn to support without carrying. To care without controlling. To give without depleting yourself and to receive without guilt. You learn to stay present without taking responsibility for what was never yours to solve.

At first, this can feel deeply uncomfortable. Anger, grief, guilt, shame, and loneliness may rise to the surface. Yet at the same time, something else begins to happen. For the first time, you may start noticing just how much your body has been carrying for years. How much energy has been spent adapting, managing, worrying, fixing, and holding everything together.

For me, learning to receive has been one of the most challenging parts of this journey.

Even today, I occasionally notice old patterns resurfacing. At times, receiving money for my work can still feel uncomfortable. Yet I understand that receiving is a natural part of a healthy exchange. When I share my time, knowledge, experience, and energy in a way that creates value for another person, it is natural that something is received in return. This is not exploitation, nor is it something that must be earned through sacrifice. It is simply a balanced exchange between two adults.

It has become clear that giving and receiving are two expressions of the same flow. When one is damaged, the other cannot move freely either.

A healthy relationship with love, support and also money requires the capacity to do both—to give openly and to receive without shame, guilt or obligation.

One principle I often remind myself is this: "The giver must set the boundaries, because the receiver often will not."

Not because the receiver is selfish or malicious, but because human beings naturally adapt to what is available. If we continually give more than we truly have to give, we cannot expect others to know where our limits are. The responsibility for protecting our time, energy, and resources ultimately belongs to us.

Might be that one of the greatest signs of emotional maturity is the ability to give generously but not beyond our capacity. It is there that giving and receiving can find their natural balance.

Many people discover that this stage of healing brings a deeper realisation- You are more than your thoughts, emotions or physical body. These are important aspects of who you are, but they do not define the totality of your being. Thoughts change. Emotions change. Behavioural patterns change. And as these changes deepen, life itself begins to change—from the inside out. Sometimes even physical symptoms begin to soften as the nervous system finds a new level of safety and balance.

It is often at this stage that the deeper meaning of spirituality begins to reveal itself. Spirituality, at its heart is one of humanity's oldest questions: "Who am I beneath all the roles, achievements, fears and identities?"

People struggling with codependency, the search for wholeness has been directed outward—toward relationships, recognition, achievement, approval or being needed by others. As attention gradually returns inward, a different experience begins to emerge. The need to control gives way to trust. External validation is slowly replaced by inner knowing. A quiet sense of guidance begins to develop—a feeling for what is true, aligned and authentic for you.

Over time, it becomes clear that no person, relationship nor achievement can permanently fill the space we have been trying to fill from the outside. And maybe this is where healing becomes something more than recovery. A return to the deeper part of us that has always been present beneath the roles, the fears and the survival strategies.

And from that place comes a profound realisation- Sometimes the greatest act of love is not stepping in, but stepping back. Not rescuing, but trusting. Trusting that the other person is capable of discovering their own strength, their own wisdom and their own path.

From Survival to Conscious Choice

Perhaps the most important insight from this article is that healing from codependency does not mean loving others less—it means finally including yourself within that circle of love.

When we stop rescuing, we do not become selfish or uncaring. Quite the opposite. For the first time, we create relationships built on honesty, responsibility, freedom and mutual respect. We stop carrying burdens that were never ours to carry and begin trusting both others and ourselves in a deeper way.

This is where a different kind of strength begins to emerge. Not the power to control people or circumstances, but the ability to stay connected to yourself. The courage to make choices based on your values rather than your fears. The freedom to say YES to what truly supports your life and NO to what pulls you away from yourself.

And while this may seem like a deeply personal journey, its impact rarely ends with one person. Every individual who heals changes something in their relationships, their family and the lives they touch. The effects often travel much further than they can see.

Which raises an intriguing questions: 

"What if healing is never only personal?"

"What if every choice we make—toward awareness, responsibility and self-compassion—creates ripples far beyond our own lives?"

"And what if the transformation of the whole, begins with the transformation of the individual?

These are some of the questions we will explore in the sixth and final article of this series.

"Life is a potential and you are it's expression"

Kristel with love🤍

 

The 4th of the 6 painful statement about codependency: "The physical price of emotional burnout"

While in the previous article we looked at the common ground between codependency and addiction and the ways in which the two can sustain each other for years, today we will focus on the consequences that are often only discussed when we have reached a dead end or the physical body is forced to intervene.

Today we will look at the physical consequences of emotional “extinguishment”. Although this is a vast and complex topic, today we will explore only some of its broader aspects. Every person, every relationship and every story is unique, which is why true understanding and healing always require an individual approach!

We like to believe that humans are the crown jewel of evolution — a species with the ability to think, analyse and make conscious choices. Yet both everyday life and scientific research show that a large part of our decisions are made much deeper than the rational mind. We are often driven by desires, needs and longings that we are not always aware of. I don’t just mean sexual desire, which call us into a relationship and is part of evolutional plan. Much more often, we are driven by socially accepted desires: the desire to achieve more, have more, be more visible, more successful, more important or more recognised.

Can't say that these are not necessary desires. Quite the contrary. They have often helped us develop, create, build and move forward. 

The question arises only when the means become the goal. When at one point we no longer collect resources in order to live, but start living in order to collect resources.

I see it as like a mountain climber, who spends years working to reach the top. And when that moment finally arrives, there is real euphoria. The feeling that all this effort was worth it. But strangely enough, this moment lasts for a very short time. After marking the peak, you have to start thinking about the way back. You have to gather your strength, plan the descent and your gaze turns imperceptibly to the next peak.

From the perspective of codependency, there is an important nuance hidden in this. It is not only reaching the top that is tireing. Just as much energy is spent on keeping, preserving and protecting everything that has been achieved.

If we are used to being responsible not only for our own emotions, but also for the emotions, expectations and well-being of others, we cannot really rest at the top. The mind is already moving on to the next problems, responsibilities, and potential dangers.

Thus, life becomes an endless series of ups and downs. One part of us is striving to achieve something, the other part is desperately trying to avoid losing it. And often it is the descent that consumes the most energy, because that is where we have to keep what we have been climbing for so long. However, for the body, it makes little difference whether you carry the burden uphill or downhill. The burden remains a burden. And at some point the body begins to ask: "How much longer do I have to carry it?"

Perhaps one of the greatest paradoxes of modern society is the belief that the next achievement will finally make us free and happy. That the next project will bring satisfaction. A new job will create a sense of security. The next relationship will end loneliness. Or the next breakthrough will finally give us permission to rest as we have found the freedom!

But a system that works on a constant sense of lack will never reach abundance.

So it can happen that life becomes more and more successful on the outside, but on the inside, fatigue is slowly growing. Not because we are weak, but because we have been taught to move forward without regularly coming back to ourselves. We have been taught to consume more than to feel. To acquire more than to be. To collect more than to experience.

And perhaps this is where emotional extinction begins — not with a big bang or crisis, but quietly. So quietly that we only notice it when the body begins to speak about what the soul has been carrying in silence for too long.

When the body has to intervene...

One of the most insidious aspects of codependency is that it doesn’t take us out of touch with ourselves overnight. It happens gradually, through repetition so quietly that we don’t even notice when we started paying more attention to the needs of others than our own. It even seems normal and natural - a person you can always count on is “caring and responsible.”

But over the years, it can happen that our inner compass starts to blur. Instead of asking, “What do I need right now?”, we learn to notice what others need. Start listening to expectations more than our own bodies. We start noticing the disappointments of others more than our own limits. But the body feels all this silently for a while and more often for years. Until one day it starts to cry out. Not because the physical body is against us, but on the contrary - because it has been on our side all along!

I have noticed, both in my own journey and in my work with clients, that the body is incredibly patient. It does not start by shouting. It starts by whispering. Perhaps sleep becomes a little lighter and less restorative. There is tension in the shoulders or neck. Fatigue appears for no obvious reason, even though medical tests show that everything is "normal." Sometimes it feels as if you are moving through life behind a thin veil of fog. Everything seems to function, yet the joy has quietly disappeared. The years begin to pass faster than they should.

"If these whispers continue to be ignored, they gradually become louder."

For some, the first signs appear in the hormonal system. For others, digestion begins to struggle. Sometimes it is the heart circulation or another part of the body asking for attention.

Yet the issue is rarely just one organ or one symptom. More often physical symptoms reflect a nervous system that has been carrying a burden for far too long. A nervous system that has spent years trying to protect, adapt and survive in an environment that did not feel truly safe.

And eventually the body begins to send a clear message: "Living in a constant state of alertness is no longer sustainable."

As we know, the nervous system has two main parts: the somatic and the autonomic. The somatic nervous system is the part we can consciously influence. It allows us to move, speak, take a walk, choose how we respond or decide to take a deep breath. The autonomic works in the background. It regulates our heartbeat, digestion, hormones, blood pressure, immune system and many other processes that keep us alive without requiring our attention.

"And here we need to understand that we cannot simply tell ourselves, "Stop being anxious" or "Calm down." The autonomic nervous system does not respond to commands."

However, we can influence it indirectly through the body. Every time we move, breathe more deeply, allow ourselves to rest, express emotions in a healthy way- cry, laugh or spend time in safe and honest relationships, we send a message to the nervous system: "The danger is over. You can relax now!"

I often compare above as the dashboard of a car- When a warning light appears, it does not mean the car is broken. It simply means the system is trying to get the driver's attention! But if that warning light is ignored for months or years, one day you may find yourself standing beside a car that has finally stopped working, wondering how it happened? The body often works the same way...

This is why healing does not happen through understanding alone. The body needs new experiences, not just new information.

Balance is not a destination we reach once and then keep forever- it is a living process and requires constant small adjustments. One of the most painful consequences of codependency is that we lose touch with those adjustments. We stop noticing when we are tired, do not cry when we are sad, ignore our anger when our boundaries have been crossed and keep going when the body is asking us to rest. Instead, we push a little harder and little more, until one day the body can no longer remain silent on our behalf.

The system stores 24/7, but memory sorts and archives...

From a bioenergetic perspective, the body is much more than muscles, bones and organs.

I often see it as a living archive where also unfinished experiences are stored — emotions that were never fully felt, grief that was never given space, fears that were pushed aside, difficult life events that were never truly integrated and released or joy you had to keep hidden from others.

"Every unspoken word, swallowed anger, unfinished grief or suppressed fear leaves its imprint on the energetic system and later integrates into the physical body where it somehow became seen."

This does not mean that an emotion automatically becomes a disease. But energy that has never been allowed to move, express itself or complete its natural cycle must find somewhere to wait and it gains through the repetitions.

Through both my own life and therapeutic journey and years of working with clients, I have witnessed countless times how a physical symptom often hides a much longer story. Beneath chronic anxiety, there may be a responsibility that has been carried for decades. Behind persistent fatigue, there is often a relentless need to stay strong. 

What we call heart attack is sometimes grief that never have had time and safe place to be felt or joy that has remained hidden because somewhere along the way, a person learned that shining too brightly might hurt, disappoint, or threaten others.

"The more experience I gain in bioenergetic work, the more obvious it becomes to see the body, mind and emotions as a whole. They are deeply interconnected. What affects the mind affects the emotions and the body. And what remains unresolved emotionally often finds its way into our physical experience."

Perhaps the real question is not why the symptoms appeared but the deeper question is:

When did we stop listening to the part of ourselves that noticed them long before they became impossible to ignore?

Before we finish today you might want to pause for a moment and ask yourself:

"If my body could speak right now, what is it what you have been trying to tell me for a long time, but I haven't been ready to hear?"

In the next reflection next week we will explore-

 Where is the line between love, support and rescuing?

"Life is a potential and you are it's expression"

Kristel with love🤍